Roomies

From the Bus Stop Collection.

College humor

A.K. A.  Not Killing Seth

I am roaming an ascending trail in the Southern Rocky Mountains. It is early Spring, and the deepest patches of snow have melted. I feel the cool mountain air, glad to be hiking, glad to be alive.

“Buzzzzzzzz” then louder “Buzzzzzzzz” and again “Buzzzzzzzz”

I am now awake and very grouchy.  I know I am not in the mountains. No, I’m in my cramped dormitory room. I glance at the offending alarm clock. It clearly says five o’clock. Five o’clock in the morning!

“Seth, this time, this time I am really going to kill you!”

Of course, Seth could not hear me. He was already in the shower and clouds of steam were filling the whole room. He likes long, hot showers, and he never sees a need to close the bathroom door.

It is Saturday morning, and I was out late last night. A group of us play street hockey in an empty parking lot. After the game, we had gone to a friend’s apartment for a game of “spoons” and then had listened to music and argued philosophy. A typical Friday evening for a group of college guys.

I had gotten back to my dorm room about 1:30, but I undressed in the dark to not wake “you know who.” I was considerate and thoughtful. Unlike the other resident of this room!

I pull the blanket above my head and try to fall back asleep. Then, there’s the long beep from the microwave. His instant oatmeal is now warm. He opens the fridge, gets out the milk, shakes it multiple times, and then pours it onto his oatmeal. The fridge opens again, he puts away the milk. However, he also sees a need to re-arrange the food in the fridge, moving things in and out until his compulsive need to line everything up by ascending size is fully satisfied.

Of course, his oatmeal needs to be accompanied by his coffee. He grinds his beans, puts the grounds in the filter, fills the carafe with water, and then turns on the coffee maker. My eyes are tightly closed, but I can clearly visualize each step.

Did I mention that Seth had turned on every light in the unit? The overhead fluorescent light could light a football field, but he also has turned on the two high-intensity lights on his desk, the closet light (I don’t know why), and, most surely, the bathroom.

After he has finished his coffee and his oatmeal (and washed his dishes), he heads for the bathroom. I wish he would close the door! I don’t need to be treated to the noises of his gastronomic symphony!

Of course, he brushes his teeth with a very noisy electric toothbrush, and then uses a water flosser to make sure everything in between is squeaky clean.

It is now 7:30 (yes, he is slow!). He makes his bed, but he cannot tolerate wrinkles. So, he makes it again.

Seth has an on-campus job. He is a Campus Guide leading tours for visitors and parents. He wears a polo shirt with the University’s logo on it, and a pair of coordinated slacks. Of course, he must thoroughly iron both of them to ensure that all possible wrinkles have been removed.

Once dressed, he starts to whistle an awfully familiar tune from the Disney “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” movie. You know the tune. It is like a worm; it keeps playing over and over and over in your brain.

Finally, Seth leaves.

However, just before he does, he opens the blinds, shooting spears of intense sunlight directly into my eyes.

I remember completing the original questionnaire that the Dorm Council sent me. One of the questions was whether I would enjoy sharing a room with someone of a different culture. I said yes. Little did I know that I would be sharing a room with a creature from another planet!